Milk and Hunee
photograph by james cater, 2019
Iem startin to git to the uver end of me haytred im backin is rooted trayla beepbeepbeep offlowdin that hideeus dingee inta the water hoo for fuck sake paynts a thing that horred cullar cooldnt fink of a werss fuckin ideer. Yeh yeh well hes outta the car alreddy at it unravellin this and that mayks me swet just watchin the barsted aint cummin off light and hes tuggin hallin cersin warter lappin at is neees and thair I is dri futted slumped nuzzlen a ciggarett ien im finkin he’s the damdest fool I eva seen and certanly onlee won Im assoseeatin.
‘Givus a hand, wood ya?’ he’s callin and I hardlee budg an inch fuck u mate do it yaself this wos ur fuckin ideer not myn downt even like fuckin fishin. But is ies are hooks and Im stundd mullet so I haggel ova thair stingin with a hangova comin bluddy well howpin this morninll b ova bfor i finish blinkin god sayve the qeen I got no bluddy howp.
‘Fuck wat wer u doin? Wat? Waytin for an inveetashon?’
Meen ignorraymus screwin up those prick ofa lips wonts an answer he aynt gettin undoenn me laysays and flingin me boots ova tha rim inta tha tray trudgin inta tha icy warter feelen lica baga diks. So now wear at it pantin sqeelen steemin me lungs tha last thowssand ciggarets fuck me hes still got the fuckin fing tyied up real screw ball messin wif me a fist fulla chain round the towbar. Howd I fuckin miss it is aneewons gess best watch imself Ill choke him get the God rite out of his gowt lucky little bastard comin off so qick and the bowt goin owt swimmin. I tern back me ciggaret gon soggy seein sum nosy mol at the start of the wharf neerby assessin oww entyre sitchuashon and I can tell by the way me old maytes lickin his see salt lips lookin back at er that if sheed offered it up hed be down for a screw even tho shes twiiss his age and twiiss his wayt with a fass lica fuckin see monsta. Prick disgusts me wif his lust next min heel b grabbin rubbin yankin his cock thinkin hes got the see ta imself menacin goblen wif his tendollacut busted teef and face ya mumma coodnt love. Cept this gurl. Jeez shit shes keen assa cocky inna cornfeeld waddlin ova ere not evena fiftee meeters makin me nuts pack up piss off meenwyle old mate gleemin goin those rungs real slow cashual rope in his teef lyke the fucker finks hes Rambo.
‘Where yous off to?’ she says comin in clowss twerlin a derty loc of her air btween er pidjon thumb and pistol finga holy mutha blottin out tha sun with her hed fuckin minds me of a sqished wartermelon.
On clowser inspectshon I reckon she cant be no owlda than thurty ruffly is age ten years me seenya but jeez if tha crack pipe aint dun her sum disirvace looks like half her fayce bout to drop off shes mutton chop me bulldogs got beta teef and it spends its day lickin its own arsshole.
‘Just goin fora fish’ he sais real keen real prowd like hes tawkin to Victoreea’s Seecrat stoopid fucker thinkin hes a pimp wot ya think thatsa lamborgeenee ya gon hitchin up thair.
‘Nice nice’ she sais asif shes got sumwhere else ta b but I ken tell no qeshgins sheed mutch ratha b onna back than goin thru this layzee flurtin ifuckin eechuther animals inna setta headlights shite.
Well hes clearly calqulatin that next delisheeus lien gonna seel the deel for reel or atleest damwelltry and corss I carnt be stuffed wif eever of em im goin for land larfin unda me breff thinkin how do the lownly sirvive. ‘Well ya free layter on?’ Howlee shite! thats is move fucken Ive had tiem ta grab me boots tie me laces smoke harfa dart fink up ways to mayca deesent buck fuckin wayt harfa sencheree for that bullshit coulda had er and split allreddy ya slow little prick. But ya no then agayn I got ta be understanding shoodnt tayk nuffin for granted Im reel luckee ya see big secsee cunt got tha moves the tawk the intelliguntss pussees like pennies always cumin and goin aint nuffin im eva reelly finkin of. Sum of us gotit others dont shooldnt hold it aygaysst aman.
‘Yeh’ she says still curlin her finga and thum fru that ratnesthivv up on er head wunda how long it tooka ta fuckit up that bad.
‘Well ya want to come to my place for a cofee?’ he says shit eeters grinnin aint it obvious to aneeone wif ies eres eitha that thair aint nuffin less secsee than coffee that kinda blak bitta shit that I drink wif me nan wen shes ova fora visit not this fuckin joker no way no howw he finks were all wet dreamin ova a cuppa instent.
‘Yeh shore why not. Wen will yous b back?’
Bawls deep! I carnt hardly beleeve it hoo is this woman weared she cum from hes fownnd is eqell she coodnt posseblee exist iem helloosenating or sumfin my daygerus mined wants im happee fuckin no way it carnt b that eesy for im.
‘I got church at nine’ he says ‘should be dun by 11. Pick ya up after that.’ Noww hes bringin god inta tha eqashon… fuck… so clawss but hes settin yaself up for a failin coz thair aint nuffin secsee bout an angry big barstad lives up in da clouds finks he nos best prown to singin chantin gospel spittin tellin longarss storees bout men billding bowts owt ta sayv all tha animals.
‘What church do ya go to? Maybe I can cum wif.’
Huh gett fuckeddd! this is sum sorta trick … decepshon the devel hoo fuckin payda … throw piss in me eyes call me Elvis and Eev I must be arsleep ...
‘Growndswell. Ya heard of it?’ He aint missa beat ...
‘Yeh yeh’ she says fuckin bloomin. ‘Used to be a Hills girl meself but they aint got no church down ere. Havent been in a wyle asa result.’ ‘Cum wif me’ he says Mr minista of tha whole fuckin congregation. ‘Ull be me gest.’ I watch em fru the windscreen rearview mirror thair swappin numbers prabably hummin gears crunchin me slowly yankin that rooted trailer up out of the water thinkin I shood look inta the church meself blessed be the pussy and all that shite God givin us the tools and the froowt to consoom shorely he aint against a hungree barstad. Reckon all thisis tha only reeson that flurty gasbag bak thair gos ta church hes told me as such a few tiems on tha hunt he says for sum sayntly tang finkin thats whair all them happy famlees hang wyle hes piening ta be a farfer pirsonellee cooldnt fink of nuffin worse than havin kids sum straglee munchkin hangin off me angkel sayin poppa this and poppa that in me hed its fuck off kid im doin shite. On the radio is gospil junk even tho ive towld im a duzen bluddy tiems I cannot fuckin standit reeverend such and so arrguin its forgivness that deefinds us that is christjens not me tho im forgivin for shore hav ta be ta live wif this prick or mayb I aint got many opshons. Jus wayt ere a min till tha lovas are done wat the fucks tha time begs the qeshtin wat tha hell am I doin up how much shite can this fucker spill bout the power of the almytee at this ungodly ower hey won sec got me finkin might b sum good mateereeal ere sum lieners I can yoos on the laydels. I thum the switch up settlin in liete a dart got sum ingreedeeents going carnt mayke no cents of it milk and hunee follow the leeder Im fuckin lost stuff this shite pussy aint everyfing its easy peesy anyways jus ya watch me Ill catch it god no god wateva. If ya ask me probs gods only in it ta watcha ya tayka dump whack his wayel siezed weezel as ya hop in tha shower finga is volcaino plugholel gettin at it wif ya missus that eegle ied snoop city siezed peeper. I smack the bluddy switch move on wif me lief CD alreddy fuckin sabbath ion man classic nasty trak got me bobbin and smackin the dash dancin man dancin. Neck minet theres taptaptap look up fru the derty glass ugly pricks thair claspin a slip of papa shit eaters grin unkanny unreel bastards got god in his pearls. I slink down the window ein im up finkin jeez look at that fuckin handwritin musta dropped out in yeer too only dickbag I no hoo aint got a mobyl phone cordin to im carnt fuckin afford nun hahahahaha.
‘C wat i got?’
‘I c. I c.’
‘Whatcha fink?’
‘Fuckin milk and hunee man. Milk and hunee.’
